The Vulnerability Loop

Imagine you and a stranger ask each other the following two sets of questions.

Set A

  • What was the best gift you ever received and why?
  • Describe the last pet you owned.
  • Where did you go to high school? What was your high school like?
  • Who is your favorite actor or actress?

Set B

  • If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  • Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  • What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

At first glance, the two sets of questions have a lot in common. Both ask you to disclose personal information, to tell stories, to share. However, if you were to do this experiment, you would notice two differences. The first is that as you went through Set B, you would feel a bit more apprehensive. Your heart rate would increase. You would be more uncomfortable. You would blush, hesitate, and perhaps laugh out of nervousness. (It is not easy, after all, to tell a stranger something important you’ve dreamed of doing all your life.)

The second difference is that Set B would make you and the stranger feel closer to each other – around 24 percent closer than Set A, according to experimenters. While Set A allows you to stay in your comfort zone, Set B generates confession, discomfort, and authenticity that break down barriers between people and tip them into a deeper connection. While Set A generates information, Set B generates something more powerful: vulnerability.

Ref: The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle